Primate of the species mēhxican

Vic Sidious

Overview

Vic sidious pizzivorus is a species of primate endemic to the Mexican desert. Distinguished by its mostly dark outerwear, a Latin beard and mustache, and a sharp-shaved skull. The outline shows a strong Persian profile, with a pronounced nose and eyebrows that typically sit at an angle, less a signal of wariness and more a residue of the unrelenting sunlight of its desert origin.

Habitat

S. pizzivorus is believed to have originated in Chihuahua, a dry, arid region in northern Mexico, though some sights have been recorded as far as Cd. Juárez or Monterrey. Periodic waves of regional drug violence have largely pushed the organism into alternate habitats, including Hong Kong, the southwestern United States, and Japan, where it is most commonly found.

In Tokyo, the species appears regularly around local sentō, diners, and cafés, but also spends extended periods in its own den, where it engages in various important projects including but not limited to napping.

Sauna and sentō appear to be an indispensable part of the phenotype. The organism follows a predictable cycle of dry heat, bubble jets, and cold-water submersion, repeating the sequence with subtle groaning until baseline function is restored. Field notes suggest this ritual is central to its survival, and the species shows noticeable improvement in activity and coherence after completing the cycle.

Diet

An omnivorous species, it displays a constant voracity for beef in nearly all forms, from raw to barbecued. When migrating back toward its desert abodes, the species is known to inhale tacos de barbacoa at speeds that make accurate field measurement difficult.

The species is often observed sliding into indie brew joints for coffee or beer. It also routinely forages for sushi, hamburgers, and other calorie-dense goblin meals.

The species also displays a marked attraction to distilled substances, most notably sotol, absinthe, and sake. Observers describe frequent appearances at local establishments, where the organism inspects bottles largely unaware of their significance but as part of an performative ritual. These liquids appear to function as auxiliary fuel sources, supporting its extended physical and creative activity.

Pizza

Pizza holds a unique ecological role in the species’ life cycle and is the basis for the epithet pizzivorus (lit. "that which eats pizza"). Its consumption, typically in small groups of close primates, produces steady mood and reduced migratory restlessness.

Field observations suggest that the organism regards pizza as more than physical nourishment, displaying reverence for its mathematical and spiritual properties. The act of sharing pizza appears equally primal, functioning as a community-stabilizing ritual that reinforces its social bonds within the familiar group.

Social Structure and Behavior

The default aspect is a mischievous smile paired with scheming eyes reminiscent of a hungry, overconfident coyote (Chuck Jones variety), giving the impression that it has either just committed, is committing, or is moments away from committing mild mischief, frequently unaware that the process will result in physical or psychological harm to its own self.

The species exhibits a tendency toward banter and low-grade trickery towards other primates, a behavioral residue from its original habitat.

When mildly amused, the organism produces a characteristic “uhuhuhu” or "hehehe". During encounters with ranchera music, S. pizzivorus may exhibit a sudden urge for howling, reminiscent of a midsized desert canine at a note far outside its natural range.

Although S. pizzivorus often retreats into solitary intervals to study, refresh, or develop new cognitive structures, it enjoys its few relationships and shows a clear preference for spending valuable time with a small number of familiar primates. These interactions are steady, forming long-term bonds that the organism maintains with loyalty.

Outside group settings, the species engages in consistent physical training, late-night study of mathematical material, and music generation and consumption. S. pizzivorus is capable of migrating long distances within a single day, able to maintain a steady pace and only mild existential agitation for extended periods of time.

Field observations show that S. pizzivorus is consistently drawn to mechanical structures. This includes engines, bridges, mathematical frameworks, bridges, computer systems and bridges, which it holds as examples of human ingenuity and considers good-looking. It often stands in front of these constructions for long periods, smiling at the machinery, diagram, or structure. The true purpose of this energy-consuming behavior remains unsolved by science. Some field notes propose S. pizzivorus might just be having a good time.

Adaptive Strategies

When confronted with obstacles, S. pizzivorus typically categorizes them as ordinary maintenance issues and restores normal activity following short recalibration intervals. It relies on a simple, stepwise approach, adjusting variables one at a time until the situation becomes workable.

Over longer intervals, the species settles into durable patterns of conduct that provide stability across environments. However, the species remains susceptible to sudden bouts of experimentation and free-range behavior when local conditions align.

A notable component of S. pizzivorus’s adaptive strategy is its consistent use of humor as a regulatory mechanism. Research indicates that the organism maintains a mildly amused baseline when navigating daily conditions, employing controlled misadventure in small, measured doses to diffuse internal tension and adversity.

This produces a somewhat efficient behavioral economy, allowing the species to move through both routine and conflict with minimal expenditure of energy, assuming the organism does not receive too much encouragement from fellow primates.

"We stupid and there is no medicine for stupidsf"
⸺ S. pizzivorus

Conservation Status

There is currently only one confirmed specimen of Vic sidious pizzivorus. Although the species is resilient and widely adaptable, its greatest threat remains largely itself, particularly during spontaneous episodes of singing while driving or engaging in age-inappropriate skateboarding rituals. Conservation efforts focus on ensuring adequate nourishment, limited but meaningful social contact, and keeping the specimen sufficiently entertained with bridges to reduce unnecessary misadventure.